In this episode, I’ll run through a little bit of my personal background, explain (in short) why I think that I am on the autistic spectrum, and try to give you an idea of what I think the general format of the show is going to be like, going forward.
So.
It was around November [2021] that I really grasped the idea that I might be autistic, and I started looking into it. My husband had also just realized that he has ADHD and was working on getting a formal confirmation on that. He had been talking to me about a lot of the things he was finding out about other people’s experiences of ADHD and… I don’t know what triggered it, exactly, but I came to the realization that: If this person, who is incredibly smart and creative and capable, and such an interesting human being–if he really did have a mental disorder like this, then… I definitely had something going on.
My husband and I get along so well because we both are outliers among the people we know, with how we see the world and what we expect from it. But he still has an easier time fitting into and even commandeering social situations. He has this almost omniscience about him that lets him both stand apart from the crowd and… I can’t exactly say thrive in it, because that’s not right, but… he is quite capable. On a level that I am just not. So, if he was weird, if he was divergent, then I felt like I must have fallen off the charts.
I knew that what I had was not ADHD, based on what my husband was describing. But, pretty immediately, I had a suspicion that it was autism.
At the time, it was more of an intuitive conclusion. There were very few instances in which I had encountered autism in my life, but the most vivid one I could remember was a play that I had seen. I don’t remember why I had gone to see it. I don’t remember actually anything else about the experience. How old I was, who I was with–I don’t think I was with anyone, actually, but that still doesn’t give me a lot of answers. I don’t even remember the entirety of the play.
What I do remember was a particular scene in which the main character, who was a male autistic person, got rejected. He was turned down by a girl that he liked and, having watched the rest of the play, having seen kind of his mannerisms and ways of thinking about things, and having really related to them, I could not understand why. I think it speaks to the actor’s portrayal of the character, at least in part, but I do remember this autistic guy being very… human. And I couldn’t understand why the other characters in the story could not see that.
And my brain kind of latched onto that little glimpse of a life and filed it away, and that was it. But, when it became relevant, the memory popped right back into my head. It said “Hey, do you remember this?” in response to the idea that I might have a mental disorder. It said, “It’s this one, right here.”
So, I did some research. I looked at “symptoms”–a word which we will put in quotation marks because autism is not a disease, as such– but I looked at lists of traits, and I found that I could relate to a lot of them. Not all of them, but there are a few things that go into that: first of which being that a lot of the autism research that we have available is centered around male children, and I am not either one of those. So, my traits look a little bit different because of my feminine hormones and upbringing, and just because all autistic people are… different. Each autistic person has their own experiences and coping mechanisms, and various other concurrent medical conditions that can affect how they present themselves and interact with the world. Just like… anyone else, really.
Just a few of the autistic traits I found and could relate to are [1]:
- Getting very anxious about social situations
- Finding it very difficult to make friends
- Noticing details or patterns that others don’t
- Seeming blunt or rude without meaning to (I’ll add “funny” to that – being perceived as funny, with absolutely no intention to do so.)
- Taking things literally (or, the inability to catch on to puns, as I would describe it)
- Being very interested in particular subjects or activities (and, I would add, the complete lack of interest in anything that falls outside of those particular things)
Here’s kind of a weird one:
- Talking very slowly, or not at all.
This may seem a bit counter-intuitive, being that I am currently recording a podcast, but I assure you that everything on this show is entirely scripted beforehand, and if I did not accomplish that prior organization of thought, this would be a very different experience.
Spectral also has a YouTube channel, if you would like to check that out, or have the desire to see my face. Those videos will be a lot more off the cuff, because I find that there’s… just a lot more to keep track of in videography, so I’m trying to keep it a bit more low-key over there. We’ll see how that goes.
I plan to go into more detail on some of these traits in later episodes, and give some more specific and in-depth examples of how I have presented and tried to cope (or not) with these autistic traits – but today I’m trying to slam through an introduction for everybody, so let’s do more of that.
What are my credentials? What business do I have talking about autism, and am I a reliable resource?
While I do not have the most formal of diagnoses yet, nor am I a licensed physician or therapist of any kind, I do have a degree in professional writing. Take that how you will. Technical writing, editing and publishing, writing for magazines, journalism, research and information synthesis. Creative writing and storycraft. These are all things that I am knowledgeable about, and, dare I say, good at.
So, while nothing I say here is medical advice, what I will try to provide is an engaging personal account of my own experiences, and a collection of information from other sources presented in, hopefully, a very concise way. You can find sources that I’ve referenced in each episode noted in the episode’s description, and I will also be putting together a master list of resources on the Spectral website.
Let’s jump a little bit sideways here.
I will also be talking a lot about art in this podcast. My dad used to joke, in the way that dads do, that I was “severely artistic”–the joke there being that word “artistic” sounds a bit like “autistic”. Little did we know… I was actually both. (And honestly? That is way funnier now.)
Art has been part of my entire life. It has shaped my interests and the way I view the world. And it isn’t just visual art, although visual art is a large part of it: drawing, painting, sculpture, etc. There’s also performing arts like music, theater, and–as I’ve mentioned–there’s also literary art.
As a child and teen, I went to very unusual, artistic schools. I drew pictures all the time. I was constantly reading under my desk. And, about 20 years ago, is when I learned how to sew.
Sewing has become, aside from writing, my other primary skill set. I’ve done some work for college theater, a dancewear company, I’ve made garments for a vendor at the Minnesota Renaissance Festival, and very recently I’ve been trying to develop my own line of handmade clothing. That business is also very new, but it is called Faire & Fable, if you would like to look into it.
While I have loved the sit-down arts and performing arts equally, there is a definite disconnect between myself and the more extroverted of those. I… wanted to do them. I thought it would be amazing to unleash my voice on a stage in front of people. I found it very natural the idea of following a script to pretend to be someone else. But while that particular sentence sounds very in-line with the female autistic experience of masking, there was always something standing in the way of my ability to audition well. And that is a source of frustration, and it is also another reason why I have so much experience mending costumes instead.
And that brings me to the last point of this first episode: What is Spectral? Why that name?
You can probably guess that it does reference autism as a spectrum. It definitely references art, as we have the light and color spectrums. Another spectrum that I will most likely reference is that of gender. I figured that the adjective form of these diagrams or wavelengths or scales or what-have-you else probably is the word “spectral” which ties in sort of a literary or linguistic flavor to those elements, too.
And here’s the other part.
Ghosts. The feeling of invisibility. The feeling that your voice is unheard. The feeling of being stuck somewhere else; that you are parallel but not part of the rest of society. You exist in a world that is, frankly, beautiful, and fascinating, but no one else seems to see it. You are a specter. A spectator. You sit on the outside. You are… spectral.
And that, too, may be an autistic experience.
Resources
[1] “Signs of autism in adults” by UK National Healthcare Services (NHS)
This episode contains excerpts of “Chasing Daylight” by Scott Buckley.
